When looking at my everyday life and communication skills, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Poor Me.” I have the most awful communication blunders; the lack of assertion gets me every time! I tend to think of my daily faults as “poor me, just another mistake.” By the end of the day, I sometimes change my thoughts to hope someone will literally pour me another… drink that is! Just yesterday was a prime example where my non-assertive communication skills faulted me.
It was an average day, complete with arriving to class late, a debate in my next class, a hectic day at work (where I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a tad bit crazy!). After work, I decided to shop for my dad’s 50th birthday present, no luck there! Then, I went to relax for a bit with some friends at La Mariachi before I hit the books. When I got home, I went to open my bedroom door, and heard a thump when I did. Since I had not turned on any lights, I wasn’t able to see the book leaning against my door with a note on it with just the words “Enjoy” signed by a guy, let’s call him “Over-Achiever.” Nicknaming guys that I have been on dates with helps my friends and I keep them straight, since I am what I would call a self-proclaimed serial dater. Okay, I think it’s time to back up. My lack of assertion in the situation comes into play somewhere in this story.
I met this guy just a few weeks ago, he met all of my criteria (Yes, I do have a list of dating rules to go by). He took me on a couple of really nice and expensive dates. I guess you could say he just wasn’t the one for me. Did I tell him that? Of course not! That would be way too assertive for me! The avoidance routine couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been swamped with schoolwork and didn’t have time to hang out with him anyway. Assuming he would get the hint when I chose to go out with other friends when I did have time, I did just that! Well, the night before last, I chose to go over my previous roommate’s apartment, which is a guy, for the second night in a row to study. “Over-Achiever” let me know just how angry he was that I didn’t have time for him, but I had time for another guy, wondering if I was going to start dating him instead. At this point, since I have been noticing my lack of assertion, I pointed out, nicely of course, that I was not dating him nor did I want to date anyone else seriously. I did it! I said what was on my mind and thought that the situation was over and dealt with.
Of course it wasn’t though. I got a text yesterday morning from “Over-Achiever” saying that we should work through this and that he didn’t like our conversation the night before. Did I respond and stand my ground? Did I simply ignore this text? I mean, after all, I didn’t care to see this guy again. No, I simply replied back with a smiley-faced text. If you knew me, this would be the exact response you would expect from me! Even if I decide to ever stand my ground in an email or a text, it is filled with smiley faces and my point never gets across.
So that’s what came next, the book in front of my bedroom door. He had been able to get inside my apartment because he is friends with my roommate, so it wasn’t that he broke in which made me anxious. The point of anxiety happened when I realized that due to one smiley face, one non-assertive moment made my communication come around full circle. I, of course, called and thanked “Over-Achiever,” which made him believe that I was excited about the gift. I mean, after all, it was a book I was planning on buying and excited that it just came out in bookstores in September. While I am excited to read The Guinea Pig Diaries by A.J. Jacobs, I am not at all excited about the start of more texts, Facebook messages, and phone calls from “Over-Achiever.” Yes, the pattern has already started again.
What I find funny about this is that last night, after finding the book, I needed to study for my Interpersonal Communication class. Guess what one of the sections of our test was on? How to communicate assertively! Maybe I should pay more attention in that class!
http://books.simonandschuster.com/Guinea-Pig-Diaries/A-J-Jacobs/9781416599067
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Katherine, guys have communication blunders too. Although we may not want to admit it.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel as if I'm stummbling with my words to a female. Funny thing about us being in the communication field. It may take some of us awhile to be abe to communicate what we really want in a realtionship. On a side note not related to boy meets girl, I too recently had an intervention about being assertive. My story is that I'm a security guard for a hotel. I was told recently a couple of months ago by my field manager that he was getting small complaints about me that he thought may need to call attention too. He said one of the manages of the hotel said I was not assertaive enough when I had to tell or inform guest of the hotel certain things. Mostly telling guest that they had get out of the pool and hottubs when it was time for me to close them. I stood up for myself as much as I could and said I believe that their is a right way to tell people that you are closing. I generally say it with a smile and say the the pool will be closing at a certain time. My field manager says I should be a bit more forceful and assertaive. While it is true that sometimes the guests try to talk their way out of it and sometimes try to bribe me. I still can handle the situation if need be. One day at the office, that same field manager suggested that I tell the guest to get the F---- out of the pool. He then corrected himself said that while everybody is different that I diddn't have to be like RAMBO! Finally I belive that while some guest to try to walk all over me and can't stand authority, I truly belive there is a right way to communicate to get my point accross. Lastly ,after the battle of what way I should handle things, I did use more assertion the next go around. Basically this situation started as usually, me telling the guest the hottubs and pools are now closing. The situation ended with a smart ass basically saying ( and you were not nice about it either). I clearly said and it took you that long to figure that out. Basically male testosterone going at it. My final point I prefer my origianl calmer way! As to avoid all that drama.
posted by Mark
Oh Kathy! If I was not such close friends with you I would find you awfully crazy after reading this. But since I do know you so well it simply made me laugh and remember why I love you so much. Of course I know exactly who you are talking about and all I have to say is wow! He needs to get a clue, seriously. Now I know you are not very assertive but on the other hand boys are not very perceptive either. After not answering his text and hanging out with another guy you would think he would have pick up on the clue that you were not interested. As if that is not enough, you actually stepped up and said (in not so many words) “go away creeper!” At this point he is just plain dumb or desperate to continue to try and contact you. My point is that although you should be more assertive in certain situations (not only with guys) sometimes even assertiveness does not work because some people are just too thick headed. As far as assertiveness goes, you know I think you should use more of it. I consider myself to be pretty assertive but to be honest what I need to work on is learning how to be assertive without being bitchy (for lack of a better word). You are interested in becoming a lawyer someday and assertiveness is practically a job requirement. So you got about….three years to perfect your assertiveness skills. By the way I have heard great things about that book, let me know how it is!
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