Lately, I’ve been feeling down about life. I realize that everyone is growing up and moving on with their lives and I feel as though mine is at a standstill. You see, I used to have a career. I was a Leasing and Marketing Director for two apartment complexes for a few years and I even got the chance to fill in for our Regional Leasing Specialist, which meant that I was responsible for reporting for and giving encouragement/advice to 32 properties within our multi-state region. This is something I was proud of. This is what I thought my life would be like. However, I felt like something was missing. I honestly just felt stuck. I decided to apply for re-enrollment at UNCW and ease my way back into school. After one semester, I knew that I needed to go back to school full-time. I quit my job, had to move since they were paying for my apartment, and searched for roommates.
Over this past year, I have been trying to find out what my passion is again. I dabbled in a few jobs last semester and this summer. I worked at another apartment complex last spring… hated it! I worked at a non-profit after school program which was a rewarding experience, but I couldn’t find it in my schedule this year. I worked at a restaurant as a hostess, but they bounced some of my paychecks… horrible employer! Now, I’m working as a Leasing/Marketing Consultant at a different apartment complex, as a Sunday School/nursery attendant at a church, and get the occasional babysitting job. I really enjoy all of these jobs, at least while I’m in school. I also just became a Mary Kay Sales Consultant today! I never thought I would EVER sell makeup, but it’s worth a shot! The way I see it is I should try every single thing I can while I’m young because it’s harder to make a career change later in life.
What is getting me down is that I am not yet seeing an end to school. It’s not that I don’t enjoy school, I just feel like everyone around me is graduating, moving out of Wilmington, getting married, having children, etc. I definitely am not ready for most of those changes in my life, but I don’t even see these things happening in my 5 year plan! I feel somewhat stuck for now. I have goals, but I’m anxious about whether or not I can achieve these goals. My plan is to graduate within the next two years and hopefully go to law school. I would love to be on a legal team for an apartment management company. I really enjoy the legal side of the apartment industry and I think it would be a great suit for my personality! That’s it. That’s my entire plan, so let’s hope it works out.
In addition to my stresses about my future and my current work/school obligations, I realize my personal life is taking a hit. There are very few friends that I even speak to, much less get a chance to see! This is nothing new, however. I have always worked full time hours since I was 17 so I’m used to more work and less play. What is different is that now I’m realizing my friends are moving. One of my close friends just moved to Charlotte a few weeks ago and two of my closest friends are moving there when they graduate in December. I guess it looks like I’ll need to try and take a weekend off every now and then to go visit! Also, I went home to Jacksonville last weekend to celebrate my dad’s 50th birthday and realized for the first time that my parents are getting older. My mom just found out that she has cataracts and she is still in her 40s. Even though she’ll be able to get laser eye surgery, it still made me feel bad. I mean, I live an hour away and I rarely ever visit. I hope at some point in the near future, I’ll be able to not work 7 days a week and visit with my family more often. I have family that live in town and basically only see them on holidays and birthdays!
All of this just makes me think about how I’ll be working my entire life and I sometimes wish I didn’t work so hard already. I don’t see myself being able to not have a job until I’m well into my 70s. I think I was in such a rush to grow up and be independent that I forced myself into being a workaholic. I wish I could just take a day to sit on the beach, which I haven’t been able to do in years, not even during the summer!
I wasn’t sure what I wanted this blog to be about so I decided to just write everything that was causing me anxiety. After writing all my thoughts, I realize I’m due for a little rest and relaxation. I just made a decision; I’m going to SCarowinds with my friends next weekend, which I think is well deserved.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
True Beauty?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHqzlxGGJFo
Before reading this blog, use the link above to watch a quick video by Dove. I saw this video today and it really hit home. I was watching Little Miss Perfect on the Women’s Entertainment channel and my aunt sent me this video. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Little Miss Perfect is the name of a children’s pageant. Young children compete in a glitz pageant while being judged primarily on beauty. I think that naming a pageant “Little Miss Perfect” starts children out at a young age that they need to strive for physical perfection. A glitz pageant is different than other pageants in that the contestants get spray tans, hair extensions, and they even wear a flipper! A flipper is a set of fake teeth that the children wear to cover up their baby teeth since they are small, there are typically gaps in between them, and some children may be missing a few.
One mother featured in the episode I watched today, decided not to buy expensive outfits, spray tan, and get extensions for her daughter. She decided that her daughter was beautiful the way she is and used simple, minimal amounts of makeup. I have to admit, her daughter stood out like a sore thumb amongst the competition. During judging, one of the judges commented that this minimalistic approach could have been a gimmick to get a sympathy vote. I was outraged that being natural would be assumed to be a ploy for sympathy! On a similar show, Toddlers and Tiaras, one mother of twins compares the twins by saying one is the “pretty one.” Throughout the entire episode, you can see an obvious favoritism she has toward the “pretty one” and she acknowledges that it is because that daughter is “cuter” than the other one. It disgusts me how much beauty has an impact on the world. Teaching children that beauty is everything is an atrocity waiting to happen!
Not many people care anymore how good a person’s personality is, even their own. I don’t really hear people complain about trying to be more charitable, more patient, or nicer. Most complaints stem from the yearning to change their outward appearances. To be honest, I’m also guilty of this. I am also one to start new diets, try diet pills, and wish that liposuction was less expensive and less painful. We have learned that a quick fix is the best way to handle our problems. We forget that being healthy is more important than fitting into the stereotypes depicted on TV, the goals others set for us in magazines.
This was even more evident to me when I went to the heath center on campus a few weeks ago. I was sick and went to the health center to make sure I didn’t have the H1N1 flu, which thankfully I didn’t have. I went through all of the normal questions with the physician when she suddenly asked me what I ate that day. Then, continued to ask what I ate the day before, and the day before that. I answered honestly since I thought she was seeing if I would notice if I ate anything out of the norm in case it was food poisoning or some type of allergy. I quickly found out that is not what her reasoning was. The physician quickly started asking me about eating disorders and attempting to convince me to see the nutritionist. I don’t know how much clearer I could have been that the reason I was eating less was because I was actually sick, not because I was attempting to lose weight. My conclusion from that visit was that on campus physicians probably see a lot of students with eating disorders, which is a scary thought.
Life is filled with all types of pressures to fit in, and to stand out in positive ways. Many people think of only changing their outward appearance since that is what people will judge first. If the world didn’t teach children that they must be gorgeous, then I bet there would be a lot less teenagers and young adults that go to extreme measures trying to fit the standards of others. I wish that the internal beauty of people would be judged more and put to a higher value. Wishing can only do so much though. A change needs to happen, I’m just not sure at this time what that change will actually be.
Before reading this blog, use the link above to watch a quick video by Dove. I saw this video today and it really hit home. I was watching Little Miss Perfect on the Women’s Entertainment channel and my aunt sent me this video. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Little Miss Perfect is the name of a children’s pageant. Young children compete in a glitz pageant while being judged primarily on beauty. I think that naming a pageant “Little Miss Perfect” starts children out at a young age that they need to strive for physical perfection. A glitz pageant is different than other pageants in that the contestants get spray tans, hair extensions, and they even wear a flipper! A flipper is a set of fake teeth that the children wear to cover up their baby teeth since they are small, there are typically gaps in between them, and some children may be missing a few.
One mother featured in the episode I watched today, decided not to buy expensive outfits, spray tan, and get extensions for her daughter. She decided that her daughter was beautiful the way she is and used simple, minimal amounts of makeup. I have to admit, her daughter stood out like a sore thumb amongst the competition. During judging, one of the judges commented that this minimalistic approach could have been a gimmick to get a sympathy vote. I was outraged that being natural would be assumed to be a ploy for sympathy! On a similar show, Toddlers and Tiaras, one mother of twins compares the twins by saying one is the “pretty one.” Throughout the entire episode, you can see an obvious favoritism she has toward the “pretty one” and she acknowledges that it is because that daughter is “cuter” than the other one. It disgusts me how much beauty has an impact on the world. Teaching children that beauty is everything is an atrocity waiting to happen!
Not many people care anymore how good a person’s personality is, even their own. I don’t really hear people complain about trying to be more charitable, more patient, or nicer. Most complaints stem from the yearning to change their outward appearances. To be honest, I’m also guilty of this. I am also one to start new diets, try diet pills, and wish that liposuction was less expensive and less painful. We have learned that a quick fix is the best way to handle our problems. We forget that being healthy is more important than fitting into the stereotypes depicted on TV, the goals others set for us in magazines.
This was even more evident to me when I went to the heath center on campus a few weeks ago. I was sick and went to the health center to make sure I didn’t have the H1N1 flu, which thankfully I didn’t have. I went through all of the normal questions with the physician when she suddenly asked me what I ate that day. Then, continued to ask what I ate the day before, and the day before that. I answered honestly since I thought she was seeing if I would notice if I ate anything out of the norm in case it was food poisoning or some type of allergy. I quickly found out that is not what her reasoning was. The physician quickly started asking me about eating disorders and attempting to convince me to see the nutritionist. I don’t know how much clearer I could have been that the reason I was eating less was because I was actually sick, not because I was attempting to lose weight. My conclusion from that visit was that on campus physicians probably see a lot of students with eating disorders, which is a scary thought.
Life is filled with all types of pressures to fit in, and to stand out in positive ways. Many people think of only changing their outward appearance since that is what people will judge first. If the world didn’t teach children that they must be gorgeous, then I bet there would be a lot less teenagers and young adults that go to extreme measures trying to fit the standards of others. I wish that the internal beauty of people would be judged more and put to a higher value. Wishing can only do so much though. A change needs to happen, I’m just not sure at this time what that change will actually be.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Oh, the Irony...
The blaring sound of my alarm clock started at 8:15 am. It’s a good thing my roommates’ bedrooms are on the other side of the apartment; I assume they’d be annoyed. I didn’t actually get out of bed until 9:15, which got me in a panic because I was supposed to be at work by 9:45. I took a quick shower, threw on the most conservative clothes I could find that didn’t need to be ironed. I was a few minutes late, but no one noticed.
Once I got to work, I pondered what each of the Ten Commandments was. I know I’ve broken a few, but I couldn’t recall all ten of them. My thoughts jumped around some more. I know I got paid today and that I worked extra hours. How much would this check be? Would it be a significant amount to put into my “Vegas Fund”? I took this job so I could put every cent into a savings account to visit one of my good friends that moved to Las Vegas a year and a half ago. I’m hoping to be able to save enough by April, which will be my birthday present to myself.
Okay, now my thoughts jumped back to the kids in the room. They were putting on a puppet show for me and the Sunday school teacher about the story of Adam and Eve. They had a puppet for God, Adam, Eve, and the tempting Serpent. Once Sunday school was over, the Sunday school volunteer teacher had to go downstairs to work on the church lunch. We were down a volunteer today, so I had to teach Children’s Church without a volunteer this time. The volunteers are the ones to usually teach the lesson that my boss leaves for them and I’m there to manage the children. My boss forgot to give me a lesson today. Last year, I worked as a teacher at an after school program, so I was used to developing lessons on the spot. This was harder though because I couldn’t just wing it. I had to have my facts straight. I thought it would be easiest to teach about the Ten Commandments, hoping the children would help me out.
Once I started the lesson, I realized the group that I had, ranging in ages 3 to 7, did not know every commandment either! I hesitantly started the lesson, which was difficult especially since our normal classroom was occupied. I had to try to keep the attention of this group of kids in the toddler playroom. This room was filled with tons of toys: play kitchens, cars, Legos, play-dough, baby dolls, and even a full sized jungle gym with slides and tunnels! I quickly gave up and ended up playing with play-dough for an hour until their parents came. My biggest concern soon became begging the kids not to mix the colors together.
In all of this, I realized that I probably am breaking a few commandments by even taking this job. I mean, I like working at the church. I learn a lot and I think it has helped me keep my morals in check. It has also helped me in school. While others go out on Saturday nights, I tend to stay in more and get caught up on schoolwork. I would hate to wake up late after a night at the bar and go into the church reeking of booze and cigarettes. I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t remember much of my church upbringing from my childhood days. I also feel guilty that I am saving the money I receive from the church to go on a trip to Las Vegas.
Then, I say to myself that I would use the money from my other job for Vegas anyway. It just makes me feel a little awkward when I remind my friends that I have to go teach kids in a church on Sundays and they respond in laughter. Oh well, hopefully I will be more prepared the next time I teach a lesson at church.
Once I got to work, I pondered what each of the Ten Commandments was. I know I’ve broken a few, but I couldn’t recall all ten of them. My thoughts jumped around some more. I know I got paid today and that I worked extra hours. How much would this check be? Would it be a significant amount to put into my “Vegas Fund”? I took this job so I could put every cent into a savings account to visit one of my good friends that moved to Las Vegas a year and a half ago. I’m hoping to be able to save enough by April, which will be my birthday present to myself.
Okay, now my thoughts jumped back to the kids in the room. They were putting on a puppet show for me and the Sunday school teacher about the story of Adam and Eve. They had a puppet for God, Adam, Eve, and the tempting Serpent. Once Sunday school was over, the Sunday school volunteer teacher had to go downstairs to work on the church lunch. We were down a volunteer today, so I had to teach Children’s Church without a volunteer this time. The volunteers are the ones to usually teach the lesson that my boss leaves for them and I’m there to manage the children. My boss forgot to give me a lesson today. Last year, I worked as a teacher at an after school program, so I was used to developing lessons on the spot. This was harder though because I couldn’t just wing it. I had to have my facts straight. I thought it would be easiest to teach about the Ten Commandments, hoping the children would help me out.
Once I started the lesson, I realized the group that I had, ranging in ages 3 to 7, did not know every commandment either! I hesitantly started the lesson, which was difficult especially since our normal classroom was occupied. I had to try to keep the attention of this group of kids in the toddler playroom. This room was filled with tons of toys: play kitchens, cars, Legos, play-dough, baby dolls, and even a full sized jungle gym with slides and tunnels! I quickly gave up and ended up playing with play-dough for an hour until their parents came. My biggest concern soon became begging the kids not to mix the colors together.
In all of this, I realized that I probably am breaking a few commandments by even taking this job. I mean, I like working at the church. I learn a lot and I think it has helped me keep my morals in check. It has also helped me in school. While others go out on Saturday nights, I tend to stay in more and get caught up on schoolwork. I would hate to wake up late after a night at the bar and go into the church reeking of booze and cigarettes. I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t remember much of my church upbringing from my childhood days. I also feel guilty that I am saving the money I receive from the church to go on a trip to Las Vegas.
Then, I say to myself that I would use the money from my other job for Vegas anyway. It just makes me feel a little awkward when I remind my friends that I have to go teach kids in a church on Sundays and they respond in laughter. Oh well, hopefully I will be more prepared the next time I teach a lesson at church.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Rough Thoughts
My day at work yesterday started out with a somewhat embarrassing tone. I walked into work, flustered from leaving late and the amount of traffic on Kerr and S. College. I work at an apartment complex, so the days are typically similar from day to day. A male resident came into the office and told me he forgot to pick up a package. I told him not to worry, that I’ve handled his package with care. Then, when realizing which package it was, I shouted, “Wow! You have a HUGE PACKAGE!” He gave me an odd look, thanked me, and rushed out the door. As soon as he left, the office erupted with laughter. It was only at that point that I realized that I should choose my words a little more wisely.
Like I said before, my days are usually the same: filing, going on tours, dealing with residents, answering phones, as well as the occasional police report. Well, after succeeding in embarrassing myself, I went to a vacant apartment to “sparkle” it. When “sparkling” an apartment, it just means that we give it a final walk-through, wipe down the dust, and do any other cleaning or maintenance work before someone new moves in. So I went to this apartment, what seems to be a normal one bedroom apartment, actually it looked nicer than others. It had a fresh coat of paint, I think a few extras coats were on the living room walls. It even had brand new carpet.
This apartment was different though, it gave me the chills when I did my normal checks. I could see the crime that took place. I could still picture the blood spatter against the living room wall. Since I’ve worked at different apartment complexes the past few years, I have seen a lot of crime, a lot of craziness. This apartment has been vacant for about two months and I can still picture the fateful day.
There was a girl living in a one bedroom apartment, apparently her boyfriend moved in. She was in the process of eviction, with just a few more days left of being allowed to legally occupy the apartment. Then, a neighbor banged on our maintenance man’s door afraid of the noises coming from the apartment. There was a puppy in there, all the neighbors knew, and it sounded like it was dying. When they entered the apartment, with the Crime Scene Unit quickly arriving, they saw all of the blood on the wall. They moved everything out of the apartment, except a rug in the living room with a puppy laying on it. The puppy was paralyzed, beaten so badly against the wall. They left the puppy, not able to get to food or water, defecating all over itself for about three days.
The search was on for these two terrible people that did this to that puppy. The police were able to find the guy that was involved. I knew the car description, but had never seen the girl before. Well, while my boss was at the salon that day, leaving me alone in the office, one of the maintenance men called the office to let me know they were at the apartment. I called the police, and saw that she pulled up to the mailboxes. I ran outside, told her she needed to come into the office to talk to me about her lease. While stalling her until the police came to arrest her, I was proud of my quick-thinking.
I hope I never have to deal with another crime at work, unlikely, but it gets tiresome. I realize now though, that after never considering myself an animal lover, I do have a soft spot in my heart for animals. I can’t figure out what could ever bring someone to the point of killing an animal, which they basically did since it had to be euthanized.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Quest for Assertion
When looking at my everyday life and communication skills, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Poor Me.” I have the most awful communication blunders; the lack of assertion gets me every time! I tend to think of my daily faults as “poor me, just another mistake.” By the end of the day, I sometimes change my thoughts to hope someone will literally pour me another… drink that is! Just yesterday was a prime example where my non-assertive communication skills faulted me.
It was an average day, complete with arriving to class late, a debate in my next class, a hectic day at work (where I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a tad bit crazy!). After work, I decided to shop for my dad’s 50th birthday present, no luck there! Then, I went to relax for a bit with some friends at La Mariachi before I hit the books. When I got home, I went to open my bedroom door, and heard a thump when I did. Since I had not turned on any lights, I wasn’t able to see the book leaning against my door with a note on it with just the words “Enjoy” signed by a guy, let’s call him “Over-Achiever.” Nicknaming guys that I have been on dates with helps my friends and I keep them straight, since I am what I would call a self-proclaimed serial dater. Okay, I think it’s time to back up. My lack of assertion in the situation comes into play somewhere in this story.
I met this guy just a few weeks ago, he met all of my criteria (Yes, I do have a list of dating rules to go by). He took me on a couple of really nice and expensive dates. I guess you could say he just wasn’t the one for me. Did I tell him that? Of course not! That would be way too assertive for me! The avoidance routine couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been swamped with schoolwork and didn’t have time to hang out with him anyway. Assuming he would get the hint when I chose to go out with other friends when I did have time, I did just that! Well, the night before last, I chose to go over my previous roommate’s apartment, which is a guy, for the second night in a row to study. “Over-Achiever” let me know just how angry he was that I didn’t have time for him, but I had time for another guy, wondering if I was going to start dating him instead. At this point, since I have been noticing my lack of assertion, I pointed out, nicely of course, that I was not dating him nor did I want to date anyone else seriously. I did it! I said what was on my mind and thought that the situation was over and dealt with.
Of course it wasn’t though. I got a text yesterday morning from “Over-Achiever” saying that we should work through this and that he didn’t like our conversation the night before. Did I respond and stand my ground? Did I simply ignore this text? I mean, after all, I didn’t care to see this guy again. No, I simply replied back with a smiley-faced text. If you knew me, this would be the exact response you would expect from me! Even if I decide to ever stand my ground in an email or a text, it is filled with smiley faces and my point never gets across.
So that’s what came next, the book in front of my bedroom door. He had been able to get inside my apartment because he is friends with my roommate, so it wasn’t that he broke in which made me anxious. The point of anxiety happened when I realized that due to one smiley face, one non-assertive moment made my communication come around full circle. I, of course, called and thanked “Over-Achiever,” which made him believe that I was excited about the gift. I mean, after all, it was a book I was planning on buying and excited that it just came out in bookstores in September. While I am excited to read The Guinea Pig Diaries by A.J. Jacobs, I am not at all excited about the start of more texts, Facebook messages, and phone calls from “Over-Achiever.” Yes, the pattern has already started again.
What I find funny about this is that last night, after finding the book, I needed to study for my Interpersonal Communication class. Guess what one of the sections of our test was on? How to communicate assertively! Maybe I should pay more attention in that class!
http://books.simonandschuster.com/Guinea-Pig-Diaries/A-J-Jacobs/9781416599067
It was an average day, complete with arriving to class late, a debate in my next class, a hectic day at work (where I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a tad bit crazy!). After work, I decided to shop for my dad’s 50th birthday present, no luck there! Then, I went to relax for a bit with some friends at La Mariachi before I hit the books. When I got home, I went to open my bedroom door, and heard a thump when I did. Since I had not turned on any lights, I wasn’t able to see the book leaning against my door with a note on it with just the words “Enjoy” signed by a guy, let’s call him “Over-Achiever.” Nicknaming guys that I have been on dates with helps my friends and I keep them straight, since I am what I would call a self-proclaimed serial dater. Okay, I think it’s time to back up. My lack of assertion in the situation comes into play somewhere in this story.
I met this guy just a few weeks ago, he met all of my criteria (Yes, I do have a list of dating rules to go by). He took me on a couple of really nice and expensive dates. I guess you could say he just wasn’t the one for me. Did I tell him that? Of course not! That would be way too assertive for me! The avoidance routine couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been swamped with schoolwork and didn’t have time to hang out with him anyway. Assuming he would get the hint when I chose to go out with other friends when I did have time, I did just that! Well, the night before last, I chose to go over my previous roommate’s apartment, which is a guy, for the second night in a row to study. “Over-Achiever” let me know just how angry he was that I didn’t have time for him, but I had time for another guy, wondering if I was going to start dating him instead. At this point, since I have been noticing my lack of assertion, I pointed out, nicely of course, that I was not dating him nor did I want to date anyone else seriously. I did it! I said what was on my mind and thought that the situation was over and dealt with.
Of course it wasn’t though. I got a text yesterday morning from “Over-Achiever” saying that we should work through this and that he didn’t like our conversation the night before. Did I respond and stand my ground? Did I simply ignore this text? I mean, after all, I didn’t care to see this guy again. No, I simply replied back with a smiley-faced text. If you knew me, this would be the exact response you would expect from me! Even if I decide to ever stand my ground in an email or a text, it is filled with smiley faces and my point never gets across.
So that’s what came next, the book in front of my bedroom door. He had been able to get inside my apartment because he is friends with my roommate, so it wasn’t that he broke in which made me anxious. The point of anxiety happened when I realized that due to one smiley face, one non-assertive moment made my communication come around full circle. I, of course, called and thanked “Over-Achiever,” which made him believe that I was excited about the gift. I mean, after all, it was a book I was planning on buying and excited that it just came out in bookstores in September. While I am excited to read The Guinea Pig Diaries by A.J. Jacobs, I am not at all excited about the start of more texts, Facebook messages, and phone calls from “Over-Achiever.” Yes, the pattern has already started again.
What I find funny about this is that last night, after finding the book, I needed to study for my Interpersonal Communication class. Guess what one of the sections of our test was on? How to communicate assertively! Maybe I should pay more attention in that class!
http://books.simonandschuster.com/Guinea-Pig-Diaries/A-J-Jacobs/9781416599067
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